


i told the stars (about you)

by notyouricon



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - K-Pop Idols, Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Character Study, Depression, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insomnia, Internalized Homophobia, Kinda, M/M, Nightmares, POV First Person, Suicidal Thoughts, The Author Regrets Everything, They need hugs, ish, it's a new style for me, like what?, no beta we die like men, okay so i don't say their names til like the last paragraph but-, we stan sad hours, why do i always make my children sad?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-10 15:04:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18662803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notyouricon/pseuds/notyouricon
Summary: wanting; verb, adjective;(1) found lacking in a certain required or necessary quality(2) not existing or supplied; absent(3) have a desire to possess or do (something); wish forthey have been seen by the stars and found wanting.





	i told the stars (about you)

**Author's Note:**

> i completely blame my insomnia and ap chemistry for sending me down this road...
> 
> please, if you feel at all like you are in danger of making a decision that may harm you or those around you, reach out to the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255
> 
> as always, with love, julian. <33.

“I’m scared,” He whispered, the resignation in his voice bleeding out into the air between them, “scared of losing everything. Losing myself, losing you, losing my dream.” The moment the words were spoken, the boy’s frame seemed to shrink in on itself. It pained me, to see him so fragile, see him so broken, so far away. I wanted to reach out to him, put him back together, mend the cracks, teach him that there is love and care for him. I wanted. What a word that is, wanted, you are wanted, you are wanting, you want, want to do this, do that. I found myself wanting for the words to explain the emotions that I so desperately wanted to express to the younger.

 

 

 

 

The screams were what woke me from my sleep that night, the desperate sobbing and gasping and soft whimpers as the shrill sounds faded, leaving nothing but a shell of a boy. I wished that I could wipe away the tears from his face, but the truth was that I was scared too. So very frightened of the words that could strip away all I had worked for, all that we had dreamed of. That was the first and last night I stayed put, lying sleepless in my bed at a loss for what to do.

 

 

 

After three weeks I moved his stuff into my room, he came along with it. It wasn’t like it wasn’t out of the ordinary to switch rooming assignments around randomly. He came without protest, voice small and careful, after the first true words he had spoken to me I doubted he wanted to repeat the episode. I minded my own business, never asking when he woke up shaking in the middle of the night, never raising a fuss when he crawled into my bed, curling to fit into my side like a puzzle piece. There were nights where we both stared at the ceiling that had long ago been decorated with glow-in-the-dark stars, I think it was then that we learned to trust, somewhere between those constellations.

 

 

 

 

It took almost three weeks of midnight terrors, open arms, and perfectly fitting together for him to first open up to me. We shared stories in hushed tones, secrets in murmurs against each other’s shoulders. I told him of the first time I realized I liked boys, in return he told me of the teachers at his old school. The later at night we talked the more painful the stories, I think that I will always remember what he told me about the first time he felt like a stranger in his own skin, I think I will always want to make my company feel like a home to him.

 

 

 

 

“It was like waking up in an entirely new place. I didn’t feel connected to anything, I was disoriented, confused, upset. Like I was watching a movie and I already knew that I wouldn’t like the ending.” He said, not meeting my eyes. “I tried to ignore it, really I did, at least for the first few times I woke up feeling like that. But I was scared, I wanted to feel something, anything really, but there was nothing.” His thumbs rubbed over the seam of his long sleeve. “That was the first time I felt like being in pain was better than being empty.” If I could have been there for him, if I could have protected him from this, I’d do it in a heartbeat. “You see, once you start, once you get a taste of how things used to be, a snatch of emotion and sensation, you don’t want to lose it, you don’t want to let go.”

 

 

 

 

The stories we shared couldn’t be contained in one book, no, they were too massive, to heavy to be carried on the fragile paper pages. We held the weight on our tongues instead, let it fall onto ready ears, tracing it into each other’s heart. In those precious nights, we etched out the long, complicated story that would take years for any author to capture in any novel or biography. I learned the hard way that paper shouldn’t have to contain those words, shouldn’t bear the pain of the soul. I found it, neatly folded and left on a soft pillow that had once cradled his head. There were no tear stains, no smeared ink to be seen on the pristine paper. I cannot convey to you the emotions that letter invoked in me, in the others, and again, I find myself wanting for the words to properly express the turmoil I felt.

 

 

 

 

_Hyunjin,_

_Or whoever finds this, but I suppose Hyunjin would see it first. First of all, I really am sorry, but at the same time, I’m not. I told you once that I was scared, scared of what they would think, scared of losing it all. This was the only thing I could think to do, the only thing I could think of anymore._

_I don’t blame you, I have no reason to do so, it was never your fault. This has been on my mind since the first time I didn’t see stars on the ceiling but an escape. Those nights were a blessing, so thank you for them, so very much._

_I haven’t lost at all, I just got too tired to reach for it. My arms can only take so much weight anymore, and while you’ve lightened the load, I still struggle. Don’t feel like you’re blind, you aren’t, I hid it where you couldn’t see. I’m sure by now you’ve realized what this is, this scrap of paper._

_I wish I could better explain to you why, but there isn’t a way for words to tell you. What I can tell you is how you made me feel, all those nights when you let me into your arms, when you heard me without judgment. You made me feel safe in those nights, comforted and well, for lack of a better word, alive. Even though I still felt numb, a bystander in my own body, those moments with you were the best I ever had. I’m sad it has to come to an end, but it always does._

_Please, don’t miss me too much, you’ll find someone to fill the hours with. Thank you, for everything, but most of all for listening, for carrying my story in your heart. I’m not scared anymore, I know that I won’t lose myself, won’t lose you, won’t lose my dream. This is only a new pathway towards getting there. Please, don’t let me be forgotten._

_Love always,_

_Lee Felix._

 

 

 

 

We found him about three or four hours later, peaceful on the banks of the river downtown. I didn't know what to tell the others, didn't know how to tell them what he had told me. Maybe I was like a piece of paper too, the words to just too heavy, weighing down my heart. He was so beautiful, so painfully strong, and that hurt more than anything. We were as fragile as paper, no matter how much we looked to stars and asked for strength, wished for guidance. We wanted for a lesser burden but found only each other, and maybe that could have been enough. 


End file.
